The Grass

REALLY!!!! Twice in one day?!

For the record, I love my person very much, but her ideas are…well…sometimes…NUTS! You remember the Chiwater Choker, aka Leash, right?  Well, after that horrible incident, my person decided that I needed some fresh air.

That’s why I sit in the window, don’t I get enough fresh air that way? 

“Come on Sassy, it won’t be that bad, and you can go into the nice soft grass. It’s so pretty outside today. Let’s put your leash back on.”

WHAT?! No way!

I’m slightly shamed to say, that I might have run like a scared kitty and hid under the bed.

“Sassy!”

I’m not going.

“Sassy, come on, I bet you might even like it. Come out please.”

Nope.

“Ok, if you come with me now, I’ll give you some chicken when we come back in.”

Oh,….chicken? How much chicken and is the the white kind? I really like the white kind.

“Sassy, this is your last chance, come right now, or no chicken.”

Ok…I’m coming.

“Good job!!!”

She began to put the torture device on, and I just kept reminding myself, Chicken, there’s going to be chicken.

She then picked me up and we walked outside. It was a gorgeous day outside. I was almost glad she brought me out when all of a sudden hse set me down…

What is this stuff?!

“What do you think of the grass, Sassy?” I froze.

Well, it’s kind of pretty, but why am I in it?

“Come on Sassy, let’s walk.”

I stood there…frozen. There was green as far as I could see. I don’t know if I like this grass. Can we go back inside? I’m really much more of an indoor kitty.

After what seemed like an eternity, my person finally picked me up and we went back inside.

“You know Sassy, outside can really be fun. Who knows someday you might even run through the grass.”

Hahahaha….person, you make me laugh. Now where’s that chicken you promised me…

The Leash

I’m dying!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I can’t move!!!! Get this death wrap off!!!!!

Ok…Maybe I might have slightly overreacted…but I don’t think so. Let’s start at the beginning so you can see why I was freaking out…you would too..I know you would.

My person and I were going on our usual Saturday drive and errand run. I love errands. I get to ride in the car, and feel the cool breeze…it’s just my favorite!

“Ok Sassy, I’m gonna run into the pet store real quick and get you a surprise, can you watch the truck?

Oh course I can watch the truck…wait did you say a surprise! Oh tell me it’s chicken…I LOVE chicken!!!!

Next thing I knew my person went into the HUGE building.  I wonder what the surprise could be? Chicken..chicken…maybe some fluff scraps – those are pretty fun…some chicken…

Then, the door opened. Oh what is it? Can I see?! OH come on you know I’m terrible at waiting for things like this. My person opened the bag and I saw the strangest thing. To be honest, I had no idea what it was.

That’s not chicken. What is that thing? Is it some new type of string?

“It’s a leash Sassy. I had to get a Chihuahua collar, because the kitty ones didn’t come small enough.

Collar…I’ve heard the word, but a Chiwater collar…What is that? Person have you had enough of that black coffee stuff this morning? You know you don’t make sense when you haven’t had enough.

“Come on Sassy, let’s go home and try it out. This will be great! We can go on walks outside…”

Wait…outside!!!! 

I know I’m a barn kitty..but let’s face it, I kinda like being inside it’s always cool in the summer and warm when there’s the white stuff

Why would you want to go outside?

Well, what happened next…. was…torture…is there something worse than torture? Well if there is, it was that.

“Oh Sassy, it’s not that bad. Look at how big it is on you. It barely stays on…”

I’m dying!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I can’t move!!!! Get this death wrap off!!!!! The Chiwater choker is killing me!!!!!!!

I plopped down on the floor. Have I not been a good kitty? Why in tarnation would you buy this thing!!!! I’m just going to lay here take this torture device off.

“Sassy, come on. It’s not that bad.”

After what seemed to be an eternity, my person finally came to her senses and took that thing off.

Chiwater, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t like you. You might just have to disappear under the bed…forever.

 

Kittys…. are a Man’s Best Friend (Part 2)

After hearing about the spider that was chasing my person, I was on alert all week. Watching every nook and cranny. Why, that spider might have been drafted by the Shadows. Who knows!  A kitty can never be too careful, especially when their person is concerned.

Then…after a week of being on alert…I was starting to think maybe the spider had moved on when…HOLY COW!!!!

I froze …and stared. So, we finally meet little spider. I’m gonna get right to the point. Are you chasing my person?

Nothing.

Spider, I don’t want to get tuff, but you better answer me.

Nothing.

I decided to  move a little closer, maybe it couldn’t hear me.

Are you chasing my person? Spider…

Nothing.

Then…all of a sudden…my person walked into the room..

“Hey Sassy, what are you doing, huh?

She came closer.

“What’s that you’re….Oh my goodness!!!…Holy Cow!!!”

Then, the spider started to move.

Don’t do it, spider.

It froze!

OK spider, if you are not working with Shadows, I need you to move backwards slowly.

It started to move backwards!!!

OK spider, I see you don’t want to hurt us, so I need you to move backwards even more…very slowly.

My person went into the other room.

Spider listen to me, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll back to your hiding spot and only come out when my person isn’t here.

What happened next astonished me…It scurried back into it’s little spot

My person came back into the room.

“Where’d the spider go Sassy? Did you take care of it for me?”

Take care of it? Why yes I did! Don’t worry person, that spider shouldn’t be bothering you any more.

“Oh thank you Sassy! You’re such a good kitty!”

 

 

 

 

 

Kittys…. are a Man’s Best Friend (Part 1)

You know that saying that Dogs are a man’s best friend…. you know what I say to that…HOGWASH.  Now, nothing against dogs. I have a  couple of friends that are dogs. However, the dog training schools are no where near the level of the Kitty training schools. Don’t get mad and stop reading my story…I’m just stating fact. For example…Can dogs climb up doors? Can dogs flatten themselves and become stealth dogs? Can they help with paperwork at shops? Or…can dogs catch bugs and spiders in mid air if need be?

My person, I love her very dearly, but she’s terrified of spiders! I mean, she kinda freaks out when she sees one.Since it’s just me and her, I decided to reference back to the KGTNH regarding the issue. It stated that  a kitty must have superior eye paw coordination to catch bugs and spiders. So I began to practice on the weekends.

I began with simple training such as how high could I jump up on the wall, how fast could I dart from one end of our box to the other, etc…

One Saturday, I was laying in the back hallway, guarding the door, when all of a sudden…there it was…a fly.

OK little fly this is nothing personal, I’m going to try to catch you, and then I’ll let you go OK? I promise I won’t hurt you.

I laid there patiently waiting. The KGTNH said patience is the key, and don’t ever take your eye off of the target.

Wait for it….wait….wait….ATTACK!!!!!!!

I leaped into the air, and…not to brag… but in one big mid-air swoop I grabbed it in my paw and gently brought it to the floor. The poor fly must not have heard what I told it…or it only speaks fly. I kept talking to it, to relieve some the shock, and after a few seconds it was fine and flew off.

“Sassy! That was amazing!” my person said.

I didn’t know you were watching.

“IF you could do that for spiders that would be awesome! They scare me so much! Just the other day there was one that was coming after me and at the last minute it darted under the cabinet and I couldn’t get it. I just know it’s going to come back out one of these days.”

Wait…it was chasing you?! Oh …now that spider messed with the wrong person…and Kitty!

 

 

The Small Person

So…Let’s remember the important facts:

  1. It’s getting “Super Crazy” around here
  2. I’m only one Kitty!
  3. I may need some sort of reinforcement (Remember there’s no shame in asking for help when it’s truly needed).

There’s another worker at the shop named Iris. She’s very good about letting me inspect the furniture. She generally will give me a little bit of her chicken when she has it. She also speaks Kitty pretty good too.

I had talked to my person about getting me some help, and apparently she must have talked to Iris about it. One day, I was doing the usual “sweep” of the shop, when Iris walked in.

“Hey Sassers (that’s what she calls me), look who I brought to meet you.”

I ran over to Iris, who was holding…well….I’m not 100% sure …but…it looks like a really tiny person!

Oh no!  You brought me more people to watch!

I might have started to have a mini kitty panic attack when Iris set the little person down.

What are you doing?!

The little person walked over to me on all fours…I stood very still. I was trying to think back to the KGTNH. I seem to remember there was a section on small people…but, I also seem to remember that I might have skipped that chapter. I know I shouldn’t have, but that book is so big!

Why are you staring at me?

It didn’t answer…so I just stood there. It slowly moved from all fours, to sitting…and we stared at each other. There was alot of staring. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I reached my paw out to say hi like people do…and what do you know …it reached it’s hand out

Oh this is nice… just as I was going to move closer to it….

HOLY COW WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!!!

The tiny person let out this high pitched squeal noise thing… I think I’m deaf. Someone say something, I think my hearing is gone.

All of a sudden I heard Iris laughing! Oh Praise God I can hear!!!! 

“I think she likes you Sassers.”

She does? Well I guess if she does, I like her too. We’ve got to do something about that squeal though! Wow.

I moved a little closer to her again, to have a little talk. She didn’t say much, but at least she had a smile. It was during our little chat about the shop that the door opened…

GOOD GRAVY!!!!!!

She squealed again! After I got myself calmed down, I realized that this little person was the best idea Iris had ever HAD!!!! I rushed over to Iris…

You’re a GENIUS! She could be a great help to me since it’s getting crazy around here. Anytime anything happens around here, she lets out that awful squeal… but it’s good! Nothing gets past this little person. So I know that if she squeals there’s something I need to investigate! 

“It looks like you two are getting along pretty good Sasser’s. Do you think it’s ok she stays for today?”

For today?! I want to keep her FOREVER!!!!!

 

“Super Crazy” (Part 2)

This thing was so ginormous… so huge…I’d never seen anything like it before!  I wasn’t quite sure what it was. It had four legs like me, but obviously was not a kitty.  Maybe a dog? I dashed up to the front to warn my person…

HOLY COW!!!! Do you see that thing out back? It’s HUGE!!!! What is it?! 

She kept typing…

EXCUSE ME! This is a matter of shop security!

Nothing…..Sometimes with humans you have to be really obvious. I jumped up on the desk and stood on top of the work right in front of her.

“Sassy, what are you doing?”

I decided to be ridiculously obvious. I stared at her then at the back door a couple of times…The door..there’s a huge thing out there…WHAT IS IT!!!!

“OH that’s a big German shepherd,” she said.

A what?! A German heifer? Why on earth would there be a cow from “German” in the parking lot…What is  German? Since I used to live in a barn, I knew that  a heifer was a cow, but those German cow’s sure do look STRANGE!!!!

In my experience with cows, you just have to go right up to them and make yourself as big and tough looking as possible. Then they leave.

Off the desk I jumped dashing to the back door…the heifer saw me coming and started to come toward me…Oh no you don’t …I puffed up as big as I could, arched my back, and jumped around as much as I could. 

At first the heifer just stared at me, so I let out a small kitty growl…just to let it know who was boss. I did this for what seemed to be an eternity! Then, the heifer slowly started to move…that’s it..get moving… Oh thank God it’s in it’s car now and leaving!

I stayed there a few more minutes just to make sure it wasn’t coming back. Then I dashed back up front, jumped on my person’s lap and got right in my person’s face so I knew I had her attention.  If that’s what you meant by things are going to get “Super Crazy” around here I may need some help.

“Don’t worry Sassy, that big German Shepard won’t hurt the shop,” she said petting me.

I know, but I think I would still feel better if I had some back up…

 

“Super Crazy” (Part 1)…

I keep hearing my person talking about how summer is coming and things are going to get “Super Crazy.” I’m not 100% sure what “Super Crazy” means, but, let’s face it, it sounds bad! Since it sounded bad, and after everything that happened with the Shadows recruiting The Foil and Fabric, I decided that I better get down to business and up my training. Those Shadows are pretty sneaky and who knows who else will be recruited to join them. A good kitty must be prepared for everything.

I upped my raining. Instead of climbing the door only a couple of times a day, I upped it to 5…

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…and then I worked on jumping down to the floor from the top, instead of climbing down backwards.

Then, I worked on getting through small spaces…

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…in case I need to sneak attack someone.

Then I worked on my outdoor surveillance.

20160801_093208 While I was performing my outdoor surveillance..from inside of course… I saw one of the biggest, scariest, things I’d ever seen in my life!

It was at that moment, I’m pretty sure I understood what “Super Crazy” meant…